What About Now
by Miss-HL
Summary: Kate's memory is gone and Rick is trying his best to help her get it back. An AU story with memories of them together as they piece back everything in their life. Starts off from mid season five.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Andrew Marlowe still has the rights. I just write whatever comes into my brain.

Chapter One.

Italics are memories.

* * *

"Tell me about our first date?" Kate asked, sitting on the sofa in the loft with a box of photos on her lap and hair pulled back into a messy bun.

"It only took me four years to convince you to go out with me so it had to be something super and big." Rick smiled, sitting down on the armchair across the room from her.

He couldn't crowd her when she was willingly asking about them.

"And?"

"We went to Remy's for a burger and then I walked you home, kissed you on your doorstep and that was that."

Kate laughed and rolled her eyes.

For a split second it looked like she remembered, looked like they were just a couple talking about the past and their memories but then she had this expectant look on her face, the look that she gives him now when she wants more information about what he's talking about.

Like she missing one piece to her puzzle and he's holding it.

Except she's only holding one piece and the rest is are scattered around everywhere and he can't find them quick enough.

"Remy's?" She asked with slight confusion.

She didn't remember.

"Diner around the corner from the 12th. We always went there." He was doing his best at sounding positive but he was wearing down, getting tired and hiding it from her was becoming harder.

"So after four years you took me to a diner that we always went to?"

He looked up to her, watching the confusion on her face and smiled.

"You were never one for big romantic gestures, well that's what I figured and I knew that you were worried about how it was going to be seen with you dating me in the precinct and the public so it was kind of a peace offering from me to you. To show you that even though we'd taken this giant leap in our relationship that it could still be the same as it always was."

She nodded and gently rolled her bottom lip between her teeth. He had to look away because when she did things like that it transported him back to moments that they had shared together as partners and later as two people so madly in love.

"Sounds nice." She smiled, setting the box down on the table.

"It was."

They sat in silence for a moment before she spoke again.

"I might head to bed if you don't mind." She said it quietly, waiting for his approval.

"Go for it. Have a good sleep." He smiled, putting on his bravest face as she picked up her phone and bag.

"You too."

She walked up the stairs to the guest room in silence and he waited until he heard her door click shut when he bowed his head and sighed.

This was exhausting him in everyway possible. He hated sleeping without her, yeah she was right upstairs in his loft but it wasn't the same.

It wasn't their loft anymore.

He let his breath calm before he got too worked up and he stood and headed for his room to try and get some much needed sleep.

-x-

"_Go on a date with me tonight." He asked as she looked over a file._

"_What?" She looked up with a slight horrified expression on her face._

"_A date. You know two people going out and having a good time."_

"_I know what a date is Castle." She sounded annoyed._

"_Then go on one with me tonight." He smiled._

"_We're already together, have been for almost a month and you want to go on a date now?"_

"_Well it's not like you would have said yes the first four years of this partnership so I thought I'd try my luck now. "He shrugged, that glint in his eye shining through as he wore her down._

"_Why?" _

"_Because we went straight from being friends into this. This last month we've barely left my bed, and don't get me wrong I have enjoyed every single second of it," His voice got lower as he spoke and she tried to hide the blush rapidly forming on her cheeks._

"_But I want to do this right, I don't want to miss out on anything with you."_

"_Fine." She said quietly, not even looking back to him because she knew the smug expression he'd currently have on his face._

"_I'll pick you up from your apartment at 7." He stood from his chair and leant down to give her a kiss on the cheek before he left._

_-x-_

"_Did he say where he was taking you?" Lanie asked, sitting on the bed in Kate's apartment._

"_No." Kate huffed, standing in her wardrobe with her hands on her hips._

"_Knowing him it's going to be quite extravagant." Lanie said as she moved to stand next to Kate._

"_That's what I'm worried about." Kate sighed, wanting to ring and tell him to forget it and just come over and get chinese instead._

"_What about this one? It's casual but dressy." Lanie was holding a black dress she'd never worn before. She didn't even know why she had brought it in the first place. _

_It was beautiful though, tight bodice and flowing skirt that just about reached her knee._

"_It could work." She looked to Lanie and closed her eyes._

_-x-_

"_You look stunning." Rick choked on his words as he looked over Kate._

"_Thanks." She smiled at him, standing in the doorway of her apartment._

"_Here." He handed her a bouquet of flowers and she blushed. _

"_Thanks, Castle." She took them from him and went to put them in a vase but before she could get another step away, he took her hand and pulled her in close._

"_You are so gorgeous." He whispered, kissing her gently before he stood back and waited outside her door again._

_-x-_

"_Are you nervous?" Kate asked as they walked hand in hand down the street._

"_Is it that obvious?" He asked, turning to face her._

_She laughed and shook her head._

"_Rick, come on. We've known each other for four years, we've gone out plenty of times before, We've fought and made up, we've spent the night tangled up in each other."_

_A loud cough from an older lady walking past made Kate laugh and she tugged on his jacket until he wrapped his arms around her middle. _

"_We're still us." She breathed into him and closed her eyes._

_He was being silly and they both knew it, but there was something nice about him being nervous. Richard Castle, famous author and probably more famous for his dating exploits being plastered all over page six was nervous about going on a date._

_When it hit her why he was so nervous she bumped into him and he turned to her and smiled._

"_We're here." He pointed across the road._

"_Remy's? Our big proper first date and you're bringing me to Remy's?" She asked, wonder in her eyes and he took a deep breath in._

"_Well if we're being sentimental, it was one of the first places we spent time with each other outside of work. If we're being romantic it's one of the places that remind me of you and just the smell of chocolate milkshakes reminds me of you and the time we've spent there. If we're willing to accept the most important part of it all, the part where nothing has to change between us now we're together, then it all makes sense. We can still be Castle and Beckett, Kate and Rick, you and I."_

_She breathed in and tried to answer him but nothing came out._

"_So?" He said after a moment._

"_It's perfect." She smiled, giving his hand two squeezes before she led him to the door._

_He was nervous because he wanted to show her that he could give her everything she wanted. He was diving in and she as going to follow._

_She was nervous because she knew it was going to be her last first date._

-x-

Rick lay awake for another hour before he got out of bed and walked back into the lounge. He sat on the couch looking over the box of photos she had on her lap earlier.

There were other things stuffed in there as well as photos.

Ticket stubs, menus, notes he'd left her on her computer at the precinct and pages ripped from books.

He found the one he knew was in the box. The menu she'd taken from Remy's that night. She'd been doodling on it as they waited for dessert. He'd been shocked that an officer of the law would do such a thing and she'd rolled her eyes at him and snuck it into her jacket pocket before they left.

It had a round of hangman they'd played and it made him laugh out loud remembering the game.

She'd written him a message and he had tried to figure it out. It took him a chocolate milkshake and two pieces of pie and one very dead hangman before he'd finally guessed it right.

_I love you, too._

* * *

**A/N: So this just came from nowhere and I'm going to totally roll with it.**

**Details about Kate's injuries and the extent of her memory loss will be in the following chapters if you lot want more.**

**Let me know what you think, I think it could be a cool and different way to tell the story of their relationship. **

**Hannah**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Please?

* * *

Chapter Two.

She's drinking tea when he walks into the kitchen in the morning. It's an odd look for Kate Beckett, the caffeine queen.

"Morning." She smiles and he gives her one back.

"You writing today?" She asks.

"Not today. You've got an appointment at the doctors today though."

He can see her thinking and then something flashes and she nods. It takes her awhile to remember dates or appointments but she's getting better.

"Do you want me to ring your dad to take you?" He asks, trying not to sound so desperate.

"You're busy?" She asks, slightly confused by his question.

"No, I just didn't want to push you into it. If you're more comfortable with your dad, I can ring him."

No, because I'm just a stranger to you, Kate. You can't remember me at all.

"No, I don't mind." She shrugs and he nods.

"Ok, it's at two." He checks his phone to make sure of the time.

"What's the appointment about?" She asks, pushing the empty mug towards him and he puts it in the sink.

"Just a check up, see how you're doing."

"No scans?" She asks and he shakes his head.

-x-

"Kate Beckett?" The lady at the reception says and Rick stands and turns to Kate. She's busy watching children play in the play area and he touches her shoulder briefly and she comes back to earth and stands quickly.

"Yes." She replies and the receptionist smiles and beckons them to her doctor's office.

"Kate, it's a pleasure." The man smiles and Kate turns to Rick. She remembers him briefly, standing around her bed in the first few days and visits where he always talked to Rick or her dad.

"Hello." She smiles.

"How are you feeling?" He asks, setting her file down on his desk.

"Good, headaches aren't as frequent anymore."

"Any memory triggers?" He asks, looking over a page of her notes and then to Rick and back to her.

"No." She says like she's failed a test at school. Like she hasn't done well enough.

"Well it's still early days, Kate. Would you hop up on the bed and we'll give you a check over."

"I'll be outside." Rick smiles and she suddenly feels very alone.

"Stay." She asks and he stops and turns to her. Her eyes are wide and he can see her chest rising quickly and he knows that she's going to panic about being in the room without someone familiar.

Someone familiar? That's a sick joke because she doesn't remember him at all.

"Ok." He says and stands by the door.

-x-

"Hungry?" He asks as they walk down the crowded street and she nods.

"What do you feel like?" He asks and she shrugs. She hasn't been very talkative since the appointment and he isn't going to push her into talking about it because he can barely register it himself.

She officially has retrograde amnesia and has lost the last six years of her long-term memory. She has a high chance of regaining all of her memory but because of her job, other events in her past and her PTSD, it could be her body's way of hiding her from more pain so no one could be sure that it'll come back.

The crowding on the sidewalk is making her uneasy and Rick's walking slower than usual but she's worried about losing him so she reaches for his arm and squeezes. He halts and turns to her, seeing the panic in her eyes, he moves them from the crowded street and into the park entrance.

"Hot dog?" He asks and she nods, he's giving her a way out from saying that it got too much on the street. He pays the vendor and she doesn't bother asking to pay for her own because she doesn't even know where her wallet is or what it even looks like to look for it.

"Thanks." She says as he hands her the hotdog.

They eat and walk for a bit before he sits down on the grass overlooking the lake.

"Can you tell me what happened?" She asks and he looks to the ground.

When he doesn't answer, she pushes for more, "I can't remember what happened and you heard Doctor Hanson, he said that I should be told these things."

"Kate, please. Ask me anything else and I'll tell you but not that day, it still feels like it was yesterday." He murmurs and refuses to look at her.

"How did I get shot then? Was I on the job?"

And he's never hated himself more than he does right now for bringing up her mother's case in the first place.

"Kate, it's a long story."

"It's not like I don't have the time." She half smiles, trying to coax him into telling her, He sighs and gives in because he wants her to remember.

-x-

"Is that why I live with you? Because my apartment got blown up for the second time." She asks after he's just told everything major from the last four and a bit years.

His arrival to the precinct, Scott Dunn and Jordan Shaw, the 3XK killer, Dick Coonan, Raglan, Mcallister, Pulgatti, Armen, Mr. Smith, Lockwood and Montgomery, how she was shot, The dirty bomb, Sofia Turner and the CIA and Royce.

"Maddox came after you to stop you finding out anything more about his employer. I cut a deal with Smith to keep you safe if you stopped searching and you did, for almost a year. But then another case came in and threw it all back up in the year. You resigned from the force and came to me that night, you said you were done with it all. We went to the Hamptons for a few weeks and then Lanie rung you in tears saying someone had assaulted Esposito and thrown him in the back of a van. We went back to the 12th that day, teamed with Ryan and found Esposito. We all suspected but didn't want to believe that it was Maddox, that he was playing marionettes with us. It was another month before he popped up again, you found a drawer in your apartment open and grabbed a bag of things and came straight to the loft, the next morning your apartment was up in smoke."

"And then?" She asks, and the look on her face shows just how confused she is by all of this.

"We were walking back to the loft after a case. You refused to let any of it bother you anymore but Maddox wasn't done. He wanted you dead and he needed to do it quickly. He knocked me out, I didn't even see it coming. He took you to an abandoned warehouse down by the water that he was using as his base. The guy behind it all wanted to speak with you. Dylan Clarkson, he ran for mayor a few times and kept trying to get into the politics game, owned half of New York and only ever dealt in dirty money. He had his own set of rules that your mother was apposed too, so were a lot of others, that were also killed."

"He wanted to speak to me?"

"He wanted to know how you'd got so close because no one else could ever touch him. He ordered Maddox to kill you but you fought so hard, Kate. You managed to get the gun from Maddox and shoot him dead and then you went for Clarkson. Ryan and Esposito had already tracked your phone, I'd woken and rung it in and we were on our way when Clarkson ran out. Ryan shot him where he stood when he turned the gun on Esposito. We found you inside and he'd hit you with an iron pole and fractured your skull, you were awake but barely hanging on."

"Stop." Kate whispers.

"I'm sorry." He says, hating himself more for how much he'd put her in danger.

"That's a lot to take in." She says, watching the people down by the lake.

"I know, I shouldn't have told you so much." He shakes his head, scorning himself.

"No, I'm glad you told me. These past few years sure sound eventful." She smiles, pulling her legs up to hug her chest.

"Everything with you is eventful." He says and she raises and eyebrow at him.

"I didn't mean that." He says quickly but she laughs and his heart aches.

Sitting in the park in the sun, hearing her laugh and seeing her smile was enough to push him through the harder memories of their relationship.

-x-

She was completely exhausted when they eventually got home, they'd walked the longer way, and the quieter route to get home and she enjoyed just walking with him.

He'd made pasta for dinner and they ate it watching trashy reality television.

She yawned three times before he told her that she should get some sleep. That he was going to bed as well. They parted ways and he went to bed feeling half full instead of half empty. They had had a good day and it was enough to send him into a decent sleep.

-x-

When he woke panting and drenched in sweat he cursed himself. He hadn't had that dream before, this one took him right back to that day and it's marbled into the day she got shot. In his dream he can't tell what's going on, he can't tell her not to go out, can't change the course of the dream. He's just standing there, watching it all happen in front of him.

He drags himself from the bed and stumbles into the office. He leans back in his office chair, too afraid to go back to sleep. Kate's upstairs safe and sound but his mind can't stop relaying what he told her today, what happened when he ran into that warehouse in front of Esposito.

-x-

"_Castle! Get behind me!" Esposito is yelling but he has to find Kate._

_He has to get to Kate._

_He turns the corner and sees her on the ground, body twisted and face down._

"_Kate." He breathes, kneeling down next to her. He hears two more shots ring out in the warehouse but his focus is on her._

"_Kate, hi." He moves the hair from her face as he moves her onto his lap carefully. She's put up a fight; her knuckles are already red and two are bleeding, she has a graze on her cheek from the butt of a gun and from the way she's squirming he suspects she has a few more broken ribs. When he feels his fingers touch warm liquid on the back of her head he tries not to panic. He gently cradles her head and looks down to her._

"_Head hurts." She whispers, already turning pale and he tries not to cry._

"_You'll be fine, the paramedics are on the way, Kate." He was thankful to Ryan who called them just in case when they were en route to the warehouse. _

"_Hurts." She winces, squeezing her eyes closed._

"_I know, I'm so sorry." He whispers._

_She doesn't respond to him but her breathing is getting shallow and she's struggling to keep her eyes open._

_It's happening again._

_She's dying in his arms again. _

"_Kate, open your eyes. You have to stay awake." He pleads with her, voice hoarse as he begs her to stay awake._

"_Castle, I'm tired." She says and he kisses her softly._

_She closes her eyes and he feels her go limp._

"_I love you." He whispers, tears streaming down his cheeks._

-x-

He pushes away form his desk in a fury. He hates being a writer right now, hates having the memory to rework the story so he remembers it clearly, he hates that she's almost died twice in his arms.

He's had to feel her give into the darkness twice. He runs up the stairs, disregards the other open doors until he finds the one he wants. She's left the door open an inch and he pushes gently on it.

There she is, sleeping soundly in his guest bed. She's curled up in the middle of the bed, her hair is spread out along the pillow and she's breathing softly.

She's breathing.

The pounding in his chest eases when she snuggles into her pillow and huffs.

He closes the door behind him and walks down the stairs, sits down on the last one and puts his head in his hands. The stinging in his eyes and ears pounding with the rhythm of his heart is getting too much.

"Dad?" Alexis is at the top of the stairs.

He whips his head around and is surprised by his daughter.

"Alexis, you're here." He stumbles through the sentence.

"Sophie had company." Alexis rolls her eyes and sits down next to her dad on the step.

"Oh." He winces, knowing that sharing a dorm wasn't all that it was cracked up to be.

They sit in silence for a moment before Alexis leans into her father's shoulder and wraps her arm around his.

"Checking on Kate?" She asked.

"I had a bad dream, just had to make sure she was still here." He has no reason to hide it from his daughter, the pain he's feeling.

She nods against his arm.

"She'll remember, dad." She says with a hopeful tone and he leans his head on hers.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. I've been trying to decide where I'm taking this story. Tell me if you love it or hate it!**

**Hannah**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I wish.

Chapter Three.

Italics are memories.

* * *

"Rick?"

He whips his head up and she's standing in the doorway of his office.

"Yeah." He smiles up to her.

"Could you help me with something?" She asks, slight nervous hint in her voice.

"Yeah sure." He stands and closes his laptop, walking to where she stands.

"I can't reach the flour." She says, walking back to the kitchen and he follows.

"The flour?" He queries and she stops and turns to him.

"I was going to bake. But I don't have to. I just thought." She stutters and Rick smiles.

"Kate, this is your home. Everything is yours." He opens the cupboard and takes the container down and then hands it to her.

"Do you have a recipe book?" She asks, taking the sugar from him too.

"Your one is in the second drawer."

She pulls open the door and takes out the book. It's old, her mother's he assumed when she brought it over one day. She confirmed it when she went through the recipes with him. A picture of her as a baby is used as a bookmark and her mother's handwriting filling all of the pages.

"This is my mom's." She says, running her finger along the spine of the well loved book.

"You brought it over one day when you baked with Alexis. Lucky you left it here too."

"Yeah." She sighs, placing the book down on the counter and turns away from it, leaning with her back towards it.

He waits for a moment to see if she wants to talk about it but she's biting her bottom lip, looking to the floor.

"Kate, I'm sorry." He says quietly and she lifts her eyes to meet his. She's on the verge or tears, he can tell from the reddening around her eyes. She shakes her head slightly and turns away from him but he takes her wrist and tugs her gently.

She goes to him without hesitating, her head rested against his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. He can feel her tensing and then she finally lets go and cries.

He has no idea how long they've been standing there but she stopped crying a while ago. His cheek is rested against the top of her head and he's reluctant to pull away but he knows that he needs to put his own feelings away and concentrate on hers. He brushes a quick kiss into her hair and pulls back, keeping her close by wrapping his fingers around her shoulders.

"Sorry." She mumbles, still looking at the ground.

"You don't need to apologise, Kate. What you've been through, what you're going through, I think it's ok to cry." He tries to smile but when she looks up through her lashes at him, he feels the air kicked right out of his lungs. She looks so sad and it nearly breaks him.

He needs to think about something else, needs to do something before he cries himself.

"What were you going to bake me?" He asks, raising an eyebrow at her and she smiles.

That smile.

Even through the dried tears and red, puffy eyes, that smile is the most beautiful thing he has seen.

"I hadn't decided, was just making sure you had everything first." Her voice is shaky as she turns back to the book.

"We had everything first." She corrects herself and he can't contain his smile.

"What about cookies?" He asks, reaching for the container of chocolate drops she's already taken down from the cupboard.

She makes a face and he laughs, "Not cookies then."

"Cupcakes?" She asks, almost shyly.

He nods enthusiastically and she pushes at his chest.

"Go write, I'll call you when they are ready to ice."

"I want to help." He says, stepping back into her space.

"You've barely written anything these last few weeks, and I can tell by the calls you keep avoiding from someone named Gina that you need to write."

Of course she wouldn't remember Gina. It's good to know that her cop instinct is still in working order.

"Fine." He pouts like a petulant child and she pushes him again. He would give anything to be able to drag her into him and kiss her senseless but he steps back from her touch, walks back towards his office.

"You'll let me help ice though?" He asks, watching her flick through the book for the cupcake recipe he knows is in there.

"Depends how much writing you get done." She is playing with him and he just can't help smiling.

"Better get to it then." He says over his shoulder as he walks into his office. He knows he's not going to get any work done. His mind is going a million miles an hour and he can barely concentrate long enough to sit down.

She doesn't know that he actually has been writing lately. He wrote when she was in the hospital because he needed something to make the time go faster, he writes in the dead of night when he can't sleep because he's petrified of what he'll dream about. Gina kept calling to get him to do a book tour, it's in his contract she keeps reminding him, but he's flat out refusing. He can't leave Kate, he promised he'd never leave her. Gina threatened him that she would revoke his new contract for another three Nikki Heat novels and he told her to do whatever she liked, that he didn't care.

She didn't ring for two days and he honestly didn't care if she cancelled his contract. He'd continue to write Nikki for Kate, he'd publish it online for his readers and that would be that.

Gina finally rung back and told him she'd put the tour off for six months. Then she told him that he was in so deep and he was going to suffocate at some point. He didn't believe her until he was sitting outside Kate's door at four in the morning just to hear her breathing.

He watched the cursor blink at him on a blank page, of a chapter he hadn't even outlined yet, on a book he had no idea where it was going.

He could hear her in the kitchen baking, the kitchen aid on full force. He tried to write, tried to get his fingers to type but it was useless. All he could think about was the last time she made cupcakes in their kitchen.

-x-

"_Beckett?" He walks into the loft wondering if she's here. _

_There is a faint scent of vanilla in the air and he can't quite figure it out. Her keys and phone are on the bench in the kitchen and he can hear her humming. _

"_Kate?" He calls again, walking towards the office._

"_Castle?" She walks out of his room. _

_Their room? She's barely left the loft since they got together so technically it could be theirs. _

"_Hi." She smiles, wrapping her arms around his neck and leaning up to kiss him. She's wearing his shirt and not a lot else. _

"_Hi." He murmurs back to her, catching another kiss and he grips her hips and pushes her back towards the bedroom. She pushes against his chest but he hasn't seen her all day and he needs her._

"_Castle." She rasps when he kisses down her neck but he doesn't stop._

"_I baked."_

_It takes everything in him to pull away from her. _

"_I'm sorry?" He is utterly confused._

"_I made cupcakes for Ryan's birthday tomorrow. I used my mothers secret recipe, I was about to ice them when you got home." _

_Home. He'd tap on that one later._

"_You baked? I think that's another layer of the Beckett onion peeled." _

_She rolls her eyes and steals a quick kiss and heads into the kitchen._

"_So what's with my shirt? Not that I don't love seeing you wearing it." He follows her to the kitchen and reaches for the hem of the shirt and pulls her back into him._

"_I spilt flour all over me and I have no clean clothes left here, so I decided to do some laundry." She shrugs and gasps when his fingers flick under the hem of the shirt and runs over her taut stomach._

"_I told you to bring all your clothes here." He whispers in her ear. _

"_Castle." She scolds him for bringing it up again. He has been relentless about this lately._

"_It's just a suggestion to make your life easier." She sidesteps and gets out of his grasp._

"_I need to make the icing, go and sit down if you can't keep your hands to yourself." He holds his hands up in surrender and takes a seat._

_She's flicking through her mother's recipe book. It's found a new home in his drawer since her and Alexis made cookies a week ago._

"_Stop staring." She says without even looking up._

"_I can't help it." _

"_Why?" She looks up to him._

"_Because you're in my kitchen, making icing for cupcakes that you made here and you're in my shirt." _

"_They are only cupcakes." She laughs._

"_Kate, you know what I mean." He pouts._

"_I know." She looks back to him and he's smiling from ear to ear. This is all he has wanted for so long and sometimes it takes him by surprise that she's actually his. _

"_So you ready to help me?" She asks._

"_I plan to help you everyway I can." He winks before moving from the barstool and traps her between him and the counter. _

-x-

"Can you help me again?" She's in the doorway, he has to drag himself out of the memory before he stands and follows her.

"What's up?" He asks, walking into the kitchen.

He can smell the vanilla, it smells exactly like the last time she baked and he tries not to think about it.

"I can't find the other attachment for the kitchen aid. I need it to make the icing."

"Oh." He spins around and opens the far cupboard, hunts around for a second before finding the whisk attachment and hands it to her.

"Thank you. How much writing did you get done?" She asks just as the timer on the oven goes off.

"A bit." He lies because he doesn't want her to know that he's spent the last half hour thinking of a moment that mirrors this.

She flashes a smile at him when she brings out the tray of perfectly cooked cupcakes.

"We'll have to wait till they're cool to ice." She says and he feels himself nodding, he can't think of anything to say.

"Can I ask you something?" Her tone has changed, she's clearly nervous about what she is about to ask.

He looks up to her, he's a little surprised by her question.

"Anything." He shrugs and he means it, he'll tell her anything she wants to know.

"Were we happy? Before all of this." She points to her head.

"Yes, we were. I still am though, Kate. You're alive and you're still in my life." He needs to fix this. He needs to make her see that he'll do anything.

"What if it never goes back to what it was? What If I never remember who I was? Everything we had won't be the same, Rick." It's clear that she's been thinking about it, thinking about the inevitable.

"We'll figure it out." Is all he can manage because he's so worried that she's thinking something else.

"I can't expect this of you."

"What?" His throat is dry, he can barely hear because of the sirens blasting in his head.

"I know that you're doing everything you can, and that the doctor said to familiarise myself with things and people in my life, and I can't thank you enough for what you've done, Rick."

"Please don't leave me." He blurts out before he can stop himself. She looks to him with wide eyes, shocked by his admission.

"I'm sorry, that was out of line. I shouldn't have said that. I'll call your dad if you haven't already, I'm sure he'll come get you." He says quickly, taking another step away from her.

Everything is falling down around him. He can barely breathe because he's losing her again. She's going to leave him.

This is it.

They're over.

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**A/N: Tell me what you think. **


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Disclaimer: As always.

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He hears the doorbell and her walk across the room to open it. He excused himself from the kitchen after he had called her father. She just stood there, didn't say a thing as he dialed the number and talked briefly to Jim. He can hear muffled talking and then she's climbing the stairs. He knows that Jim will come looking for him, talk to him and make him see her side.

He should be polite and go out there to see him. Go talk to her father and paint on a smile and pretend like it's ok that he's failed miserably and she's leaving him.

"Rick." Jim enters the office before he can even comprehend getting up. He comes over to where he is leaning against his desk but Rick's head is hung low, ashamed at what's happening around him.

"Sorry." Rick croaks, barely able to say the word.

Jim's hand squeezes his shoulder in a fathering way, the way a father squeezes his sons shoulder after losing a game of baseball or missing out on the hockey team. Something that Rick hasn't felt since the day she was shot after Montgomery's funeral.

He's hugged him since then, several times. The first time he came to the loft for dinner just after Rick and Kate became a couple, he hugged Rick as soon as he walked through the door. He whispered his many thanks to him for getting his daughter to see the light, to live her life instead of drowning in her mother's murder.

Rick has never been used to affection from a father figure. He's never had it in his life, never had that feeling of actually having a dad. Until now, until him and Kate finally got together. They were foolish to think that it was just the two of them in the relationship. Rick gained a rough around the edges and cuddly center dad and Kate gained the craziness of Castle-Rodgers family.

"You have done wonderfully, Rick. I can't thank you enough. But you know Katie, you know she has to be in control and this is out of her control. If she's at home, she already has formed memories and maybe she can build from that." He's reassuring and Rick knows that what he is saying is true but he can't help but feel like he's failed.

Jim had been the one to suggest that she go home with Rick in the first place. Kate had been mortified with her father that he suggested such a thing. Jim said that he lived so far out and with Kate's appointments in the city and due to the fact that she hasn't lived in his house for over ten years, maybe it would be better for her to stay with Rick. He'd stayed a few nights at the loft after she got out of the hospital but she seemed happy enough to leave and he did. Rick knew how hard this was for him, he couldn't comprehend how much it would kill him if it were Alexis.

"You'll call if anything happens." Rick asks, more pleads with the man and Jim nods.

"Dad?" Kate calls and Jim stands, pushing off the desk. He gives Rick's shoulder another quick squeeze before leaving and taking the bag from Kate.

She walks into the office already playing with her fingers. It's a nervous habit that he's noticed the last week, he decided that she suppressed it during her time at the academy. A police officer with an obvious nervous habit wouldn't be ideal.

"I'm sorry." She whispers.

He can't even look at her, can't deal with the look he knows she is giving him.

"It's not your fault." He says, voice barely recognizable. It's laced with emotion and hurt and he's trying to be strong because she's been through enough already and this isn't what she asked for, she's not doing this to him on purpose.

"I can pick the other stuff up later." She says quietly.

This is really happening. She's moving out, ending it all.

"I'll get it sent to your Dad's." He still won't look at her.

He's being pathetic and he knows it, but he can't do anything about it. He can't summon the courage to look up to her and tell her that it's going to be ok, he can't smile and make her believe that he's ok with her leaving and he can't lie to her.

"Thank you." She takes a step towards him but he tenses so she stops. He tries not to breathe because he can smell her, can smell the faint scent of her body wash and the hairspray she uses and the slight smell of vanilla from the baking she did earlier.

As much as he wants to hug her goodbye, hold her until she moves away from him, give her a kiss on her cheek, he can't. He just can't.

She hovers for another minute before she leaves. He can hear the voices again but he doesn't even bother listening, he can't even breathe.

He drops to his knees when he hears the door close.

She's gone.

Kate is gone.

He can't hold back the tears any longer and he doesn't care that he's a grown man crying on his knees. He's felt like this before, had this exact moment already and he can't quite believe he's back to it.

He remembers getting back from the hospital when she had been shot. He knew she was stable, knew that she had a high percentage chance of walking out of there perfectly fine but everything from that day just hammered him. Montgomery's funeral, not getting to her fast enough, Josh pushing him, were all images flashing in his mind. Josh had been right though; he was at fault for this. He dragged her through this, made her do it. It was his fault.

The second time came only a few weeks ago when he was sent home from the hospital after the fight in the warehouse. She was still unconscious and Esposito had dragged him out of her room, sent him home and promised him that he wouldn't leave her side. He was exhausted, nearly asleep in the car on the way home. But his eye caught something on his desk when he walked into his room. Her coffee cup from that morning was still sitting there from where she had left in it a hurry to get ready for work. It was still half full and he could feel the ground swallowing him up.

Because even though he knew she was alive and safe this time, it didn't feel any better. The love of his life just left him.

-x-

It's been a week, a long grueling week since she left.

He can barely remember the date but he knows how many nights it's been since she left because he's barely slept. He lays awake, thinking about her, wondering what she is doing, if she's all right. Sometime in the middle of the morning he'd fall asleep and wake drenched in sweat and panting because he knows she's not in the loft.

He checked her room one morning just to be sure but the made bed and open curtains were more than he could manage so he quickly shut the door, moving away from that room as fast as he could.

Jim had rung a few times but he couldn't bear to answer the phone. He left detailed messages about Kate, what's she has been doing and he feels relieved for a second and then the message ends and he's left alone in the loft again.

Martha rung from Napa and told him she'd come home as soon as she could. He managed to make her believe that he was fine, that she could stay and enjoy her break from the acting school.

He knew he hadn't been as believable to Alexis the night before. She rung to ask about Kate and he'd told her that she'd gone to stay at her dad's for a bit and he needed to write. She offered to come home for the weekend, but she had been talking about this party at Paige's for a month now and he assured her to go, that he would be writing anyway. She said that wouldn't go, it was just a silly party and it took everything in him to convince her that it would be a really fun night and to message him when she got back to her dorm.

As much as he didn't want his teenage daughter to see him like this, he would have liked someone to be at the loft because it was so quiet and he hated it.

-x-

It's early Friday morning when he decides that he's had enough. He packs a bag, grabs his laptop and heads to the garage. He picks the SUV because he's not in the right mind to deal with the Ferrari at the moment. That much speed and power might just send him over the edge.

He sets out and he's been on the road an hour when his phone rings.

It's Jim.

"Castle." He answers, adjusting the volume on the hands free.

"Rick, how are you?" He sounds the same as always, too cherry for an early morning.

"Yeah good, just driving out to the Hamptons to do some writing." He's been dreading this call but he knew it was coming. He had to tell Jim that he was going away just in case.

"Oh, that sounds nice." It sounds like Jim is a little taken back, doesn't quite know what to say.

"Little bit behind on the book." A small white lie to make it seem like he's not running from this entire situation.

He can hear someone talking in the background and without having to strain; he knows it's her.

"Katie and I are in the city today for her scan."

"The CT? I thought it was tomorrow."

"Always been Friday I think." Jim sounds like he's thinking about it but Rick didn't even know it was Friday. Of course it is today, why would they be doing a CT scan on a Saturday.

"Of course, you're right. Sorry."

"So we were going to pop over for a visit but if you've already left. She needs to pick up some more things but it can wait till you get back."

He wants to scream at everyone. He could have seen her today, could have been in the same room as her and had first hand knowledge that she was alive. But then she would have left again and he's not sure he could take that.

"Oh-"

"We can come around if you're back next week?" Jim cuts in, Rick can hear her talking in the background about a coat she wants.

"There is a key to the loft on her set of key rings, you can come and go anytime you want. She can pick up what she needs. I didn't get around to packing her things but there is a moving company the building uses that is good if she's looking." Why is he saying this? He doesn't want her to move anything from the loft. He doesn't even want to believe that she's actually left.

"I'll tell Katie that, thank you."

"No problem." Rick confesses, pulling the car over because he can no longer concentrate.

"Have a good trip away, get some writing done." Jim says happily, his tone not believable to either one of them.

"Will do."

-x-

It takes him two hours longer to get to the Hamptons than usual. He kept having to pull over and get out of the car before he cried. He wouldn't do that anymore, wouldn't let himself feel that way.

The house was exactly the same as they left it. He hadn't even managed to ring ahead and get it stocked with food so he went to bed hungry and worn out.

The next day he rings for the food service and sets himself out on the dining table to start writing.

-x-

It's been three days and he's got his routine set. Wake up, shower, eat, write, eat, write, bed. He rings Alexis after dinner and then his mother to check in, tell them that he's fine. He's figured out if he's so tired from writing that he doesn't have really bad dreams, he doesn't lie awake and think about her all night. He needs to be utterly tapped out to not think about her.

He's in the middle of an epic battle scene with Nikki and Rook and the mafia when his phone rings. He answers it without thinking because he knows that he's late calling Alexis today and she'll just be worrying.

"Castle." He answers, not sure if he'll ever be able to drop using his last name on the phone anymore.

"Hi."

Everything sinks inside of him, he already can feel his heart beating faster, and he's up and out of the chair and reaching for the keys to the SUV.

"Kate? Are you ok?"

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**A/N: Thank you to everyone that reviewed last chapter, I am trying to get around to replying to you all.**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter...**

**Hannah**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: As usual.

Italics are memories.

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Chapter Five.

"I'm fine." She says quickly, like she can feel the panic in his voice.

"Oh." He says in relief, and lets the keys drop back to the bench. Eyes tightly closed as he tries to regulate his breathing without it being too obvious on the phone.

"I just thought that I would give you a ring and see how you are." She stutters down the phone, she's just as nervous as he is.

He can't tell if this was her own idea or her father has pushed her into it. He feels like the kid that is always picked last on the sports team at school.

_I've started feeling like I can breathe, and I'm not falling down a black hole of losing you._

That's a bit much he thinks, can't help the writer brain.

"I'm good, yeah." He falters, not even believing himself.

"Dad said that you were going out to the Hamptons to write. How is that going?"

"Yeah, got a few chapters and an outline done."

"That's good." She says enthusiastically.

And the conversation falls flat. He wants to ask a million questions but he's worried that he's going to smother her and she's given him this lifeline, this small offering and he doesn't want to run with it too far.

"How was your scan?" He asks, finding some mid ground for the both of them.

"Came up all clear, apparently there is nothing wrong with me." She sighs.

"There is nothing wrong with you." He adds because he truly believes it.

"Just a five year gap that I can't remember."

"Just give it time." He tries to get her to reason.

"I have." She cuts him off.

"You're being impatient." He says firmly.

"Rick."

"Kate."

And then she laughs, casually laughs at their banter and it feels like normal. He feels like a conversation they've had a million times before now.

"I've been told that before by you haven't I?" She asks, laughing tone still in her voice.

"A few times." He answers, walking outside to the deck and sits down on the stairs.

"Are you outside? I can hear the waves." She asks, ending the previous conversation without another word from him.

"Yeah, sitting out on the deck."

"It sounds amazing."

"Must be nice and quiet out at your dad's?" He's been out there before, stayed the night once when Jim went away for a fishing trip. He only suggested it so he could see pictures of baby Kate and be nosy in her room.

"Little bit too quiet actually, feels like I'm going a bit insane."

He remembers back to when she told him about how she felt when she was out at her dad's cabin after she was shot. She felt tied down and restricted but she had to stay out there to survive, to get better, so she could come back to him. Maybe it's the same now, he thinks, maybe she needs to be there to survive and come back to him.

God he hopes so.

"Rick?" She asks quietly, bringing him out of a daze.

"Sorry, was just thinking." He stumbles over his words and he hears her laugh quietly.

"I should go, dad just got home and I'm on dinner duty tonight. Talk soon?"

He feels like he is flying, soaring in the clouds because she wants to talk to him. She actually wants to talk to him.

"I'll ring you." He answers her, wanting to get his writers brain to quit being an emotional jumble of awful phrases.

"Bye."

"Goodnight, Kate."

He can't stop smiling. He is absolutely ridiculous but he doesn't care because Kate Beckett rung him and wants to talk again. He leans against the banister on the porch and closes his eyes, relays the conversation in his head. He has to laugh about when she asked him if he's told her she's impatient before.

-x-

"_I'm back." He hears faintly, but he can't stop the scene just yet, he's got to save Nikki._

"_Castle?" She calls again as she wonders through into the office. _

"_Castle." She almost purrs, walking around to his side of the desk._

"_Hmm?" He doesn't even look up to her, keeps his fingers flying across the keyboard because he can't let her distract him; he needs to finish this scene._

_She hasn't stayed over for four nights. Four long nights she's had to stay at her apartment while he wrote and while she was on a case that Gates had informed them that Castle was not allowed to be a part of. A dirty job at the 9__th__ precinct had to be sussed out and she didn't want Castle hearing all the rumours about dirty cops and looking the other way for money._

_Beckett tried to argue with Gates that Castle had seen her mother's case which was full of just that, but Gates simply shook her head and sent him on his way. He wasn't too worried about it, told her that it was a good time to begin writing the new Nikki book. _

"_Rick." She rolls his name off her tongue, leaning down to whisper it in his ear._

"_Yeah?" He's still typing, still absorbed in the scene he is writing but she's pressed against his back and he's loosing all concentration. _

"_I haven't seen you forever." She whispers running her hands down his chest and nibbling at his earlobe._

"_I have to finish this scene." He says, voice flushed and hiding none of his arousal. _

"_You do that, but just so you know, I'm going in there and I will start without you." She doesn't even reach the door before he's left his desk and walking behind her, pushing her into his room, lips attached to her neck, hand already working on the button of her jeans._

_-x-_

"_You are so impatient." He runs his fingers down her bare back, moving her hair away. She's slumped over his chest, completely exhausted._

_She laughs and rolls her eyes. She tries to sit up but gives up and lies back down on his chest._

"_I'm not impatient." She pouts._

"_Just admit it, Detective, you needed me, you needed my sexy body to-"_

"_Castle!" She laughs, smacking his chest._

_She's still laughing when he flips them so he's on top of her._

"_Admit it." He says, lowering his head to kiss her gently._

_She shakes her head, keeping her lips tightly closed so she doesn't laugh._

"_You know what I'll do if you don't admit it."_

_She shakes her head again, egging him on and he lowers his head to her neck._

"_One last chance." He murmurs into her skin, kissing her softly. _

"_No."_

"_Your choice." He bites down on her clavicle and moves his knee against her to get the right friction and she's already squirming._

"_Kate." He teases, holding his knee still._

"_Fine." She's breathless already._

"_Say it."_

"_I'm impatient."_

_He laughs down at her, kisses her fiercely and lets her have what she wants. _

-x-

He stares at the ceiling for half the night before finally falling asleep and spends the entire morning watching his phone.

Should he call her?

He said he would but it's been less than twenty-four hours and he doesn't want to seem too eager, but his hand had already picked up his phone and called her number.

"Hello?" She answers, and he sighs a breath of relief at just hearing her voice.

He really gets to get a handle on his emotions. Lately he's feeling like a teenage girl with a bucket full of emotion, angst and drama.

"Hi."

"How are you?" She asks, he can feel the nervousness in her voice too.

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Bored." She laughs a little and then sighs.

"Is your dad at work?" He isn't sure what Jim does, he doesn't work much anymore just a few days here and there at a friends company doing something.

He never asked, Kate never talked about it and it didn't really bother him. It was like a mysterious side to Jim Beckett. He was a lawyer at some point he thinks, but after Johanna died, he must have never gone back.

"He's helping a friend paint their house. I think he's trying to give me some space but I'm so bored."

He laughs at that because it's just like Kate to be like that. She needs to be doing something, engaged and invested in something.

"Why don't you read? It'll be like reading some of those books for the first time. I can't imagine what that would feel like." He's trying to encourage her into something, something that will take her mind off everything and transport her into that world that Kate Beckett, regardless of what she remembers, loves. She loves that place she enters when she's reading, when she's completely lost in a book.

"I've read everything here, Rick."

"Of course you have." He chuckles, walking outside and sitting down where he sat the night before.

"Are you outside again?" She asks.

"Yeah."

She goes silent, he's wondering if she is listening to the waves down the phone.

"Come out here." He says without thinking and then he wants to punch himself. He's going to scare her away. It's been almost two weeks since he saw her but he needs to not think about that.

"For a day or something." He adds quickly.

"I can't exactly drive, head injury and all." She laughs, actually laughs at that.

She didn't shoot him down, didn't go awkward or give a lame excuse. She gave a reason that she couldn't get out there, not a reason to not come at all.

"I could come back into the city and pick you up?" He offers. It's a friendly offer, one he would extend to all his friends, he tells himself because he doesn't quite believe himself that he's doing this as a friendly favour. He wants her here, wants her back in his life. Two weeks without her is enough, he is over it.

So he wants her to come to the Hamptons and he will be selfish about it and he's not even bothered.

"It's a long journey and dad thought you'd be out there for awhile writing. Coming into the city and then you'll have to bring me back again, it's too much."

She's being reasonable and he doesn't care about the journey. He can make it just over two hours on a good day, that's nothing to him.

"I don't mind." He says, tone still light and fun because he doesn't want her to know just how much he misses her.

She's silent on the other end again and he waits for her to speak. He can hear her tapping at a keyboard or something and humming.

"Kate?" He questions after a minute.

"I could catch the bus out?"

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**A/N: I know it's short so please forgive me, but I just wanted to give you all a chapter to tie you over the last few agonizing hours before we get 'After The Storm' **

**Well I'll be getting it a few hours after all of you, living and Narnia and all. Pfft.**

**I hope you all enjoy the show, I'm sure it's totally and utterly worth the wait.**

**Hannah. x**


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